A Thank You Letter to my Past Loves

Time can bring about many revelations. When you leave a relationship, all you see and feel is hurt. But after that hurt washes away in time, sometimes you can finally see the lessons and gifts you were given. I believe the universe ultimately gives you what you need.

Alfredo was my first boyfriend and my first love. We met and hung out every night on the beach. After two weeks he asked me to be his girlfriend. Three months in we were at a carnival party rolling on molly and I let it slip that I loved him. He quickly said “I love you too” but that he would have preferred to say it first. We were together for over a year and then he went to Nicaragua for a semester abroad and we broke up.

I was heartbroken and so hurt by the circumstances that led to our end. He had lied to me about something inconsequential, which made me wonder why he felt like he had to lie. I had never been so angry at another person. Since he did a semester abroad after the summer I didn’t have to see him for 8 months.

I had time for closure, and when he came back we caught up. We are now friends and I truly want him to be happy and I believe he wants the same for me.

Through all the hurt, and years down the road, I realize why the universe brought him into my life. I was seeing a senior, and had fallen for him. He never hesitated to tell me he was graduating and couldn’t fall for a freshman when he was going to leave. I was hurt but kept seeing him and eventually the romantic feelings had left me and all that was left was our physical relationship. After we had been sleeping together for 5 months, that was when I had met Fredo. I knew I was going to be with this boy for a while.

I stopped things with the other guy and he was furious. He would drunk call me and call me a bitch. He would say “You know how much I care about you, but I can’t fall for you because I’m a senior.” I realized how obsessed he was with me. He was in love with me, but he didn’t give me what I deserved so I was gone. Now six years after I ended things with him, I still get texts from him. I am so happy Fredo gave me an example what a healthy relationship was. If I stayed with the other guy, I think his aggression would have become physical not just verbal.

Fredo, without knowing, pulled me away from a potentially abusive relationship and gave me a great example of a loving relationship.

After Alfredo, I was single for a couple years, but my senior year I met Matt. I was focused on enjoying my senior year and getting the most out of my last year living with my friends. I was not looking to fall in love.

He had other plans though. We had been seeing each other for two months and then we went home for winter break. I missed Matt, and thats when I knew he was much more important to me than I had thought. When we were back at school together we made plans to go on a weekend trip to Key West. We were sightseeing, ate great food, and spent time on the beach. One night he drove us to a small pier and told me when his parents were dating his father told his mother he loved her on that pier. We walked out in the darkness on this rickety pier. We looked out to the ocean and he told me he loved me. He didn’t expect to hear me say it. I really didn’t want to say it because I knew it would end in hurt when I graduated. I pushed through the fear and said it anyway.

We dated for 7 months and I don’t think I knew how much I would end up needing him. That was my most stressful academic year by far. I had to take a test that would determine if I graduated with my chosen major. The night before the test, I had my first panic attack: tears, hyperventilating and all. Matt came and held me and made me leave my notes and go for a walk. I was still in tears but at least I was breathing. He went through my flashcards with me when we got back and made me realize I knew every answer.

I did great on the test, just like Matt told me I would.

I ended up having many arguments with my roommate, and that led to emotional stress. Matt was always there to take me out of my room and make me feel better.

I don’t think I could thank him enough for supporting me so much in one of the most difficult years in my college experience.

When you are dealing directly with heartbreak, it is impossible to see how much that person gave you. Not everyone is as lucky as I was, and I will have and have already had bad relationships that took more from me than gave to me. These relationships taught me much more and gave me so much more than I thought it did in the moment and I am so grateful.

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